Burnt Out CISO Forced to Decline Michelin-Starred Round Table Dinner.
EXCEL, LONDON— In a shocking turn of events that has sent tremors through the cybersecurity industry, a famously award-winning—but mysteriously unnamed—Chief Information Security Officer (CISO) has reportedly declined an invitation to a Michelin-starred round table dinner, citing “burnout” after a gruelling 3 years spent attending a continuous carousel of breakfast briefings, networking brunches, sponsored lunches, and lavish evening galas.
Sources close to the CISO, who has previously been recognised as “Most Visible Industry Thought Leader on Linkedin” at three separate paid summits, say that the decline was prompted by a rare moment of introspection during the dessert course at a recent “Zero Trust” executive luncheon. The CISO was overheard muttering, “I simply can’t face another five-courser while discussing the evolving threat landscape - I need a break from it all — I’d even consider an M&S meal deal and, god forbid, some actual work.”
The Relentless Grind of Gourmet Thought Leadership
The cybersecurity world was agog this week at ExCeL London, where the CISO in question was sighted at no fewer than 14 panels, 11 vendor breakfasts, and a handful of “fireside chats” (despite there being no fires, and very little chatting). The CISO’s daily schedule, leaked to the press, revealed a relentless sequence of catered events, each promising “exclusive insights” and “cutting-edge canapés.”
“It’s a brutal pace,” confessed an exhausted event organiser, clutching a QR scanner and a glass of complimentary prosecco. “There’s only so many times someone can listen to a panel on ransomware over a truffle risotto before they start to crack. The CISO said they might even go back to the office for a few hours, just to decompress.”
A Radical Return to the Office
Colleagues are reportedly concerned by rumors that the CISO is contemplating a radical new wellness strategy: spending time at the company’s actual headquarters. “It’s unheard of,” said one, nervously picking at a plate of sliders. “If word gets out that CISOs have started doing hands-on security strategy instead of back-to-back ‘fireside’ wine tastings, it could upend the whole conference economy.”
Industry analysts warn that a prolonged absence from the event circuit could have dire consequences. “If CISOs stop attending round tables, who will give keynote speeches about supply chain attacks over duck confit? Who will judge the best vendor swag competition? It’s a slippery slope,” said one Gartner analyst while elbowing their way to the dessert buffet.
Vendor Community in Mourning
Meanwhile, security vendors were quick to issue statements of support—and concern. “We stand in solidarity with all CISOs struggling to balance the demands of gourmet networking with, you know, actual cybersecurity,” said a spokesperson from a leading AI threat detection startup, between mouthfuls of lobster croquettes.
The Future of CISO Wellness
As the sun sets over ExCeL London and the final canapé trays are whisked away to be replaced by cocktails, the cybersecurity community is left to ponder a future where the role of CISO could, just possibly, include the radical notion of “doing some work.” Will this burned-out CISO’s stand inspire a wave of similar rebellion, or will the lure of next week’s “Whiskey & How to protect against juice jacking” executive supper club prove too strong?
One thing is clear: in the world of high-stakes cybersecurity, it’s getting harder and harder to have your cake and eat it at someone else’s expense.
