NetFortress Engineer Accidentally Becomes First Billionaire to Patch His Way Onto Forbes List

KIRKCALDY, SCOTLAND — In a shock development Forbes’ World’s Billionaires list now includes a new name to sit alongside the like of Elon, Jeff and Zucker : John McAlpine, a 42-year-old NetFortress engineer, whose primary claim to fame until now was his uncanny ability to survive on vending machine crisps and 3 a.m. coffee.

“I never set out to be a billionaire,” John told reporters, blinking in the unfamiliar daylight after emerging from the server room. “I’m just a normal lad from a normal family who happens to support NetFortress firewalls.”

While most billionaires credit their fortunes to unicorn startups or questionable social media takeovers, John’s meteoric rise came thanks to his relentless overtime patching the multiple clusters of NetFortress firewalls the MSSP he works for installs by default for customers. Sources say his wealth accumulated rapidly in recent years as every new vulnerability NetFortress released resulted in another overtime shift and another gold-plated can of Irn Bru.

“It’s ballooned over the last few years," John explained, "There’s a new vulnerability every other week. We joke it’s like painting the Forth Bridge, except when you’re done, someone’s set the bridge on fire.”

Unlike his billionaire peers, John’s investment strategy was “mainly just working a lot”, supplemented by a low-return ISA that he’s still not entirely sure how to access. When asked if luck played a role, John was reluctant to admit:

“Och, if anything, I’m bad luck. I’m trained in all the big platforms, but everything I touch seems to turn to crap. I’m basically the IT equivalent of King Midas, except everything turns into an urgent ticket.”

Will John be retiring to a private island, yacht, or at least a house with decent Wi-Fi? Absolutely not.

“Retire? Who would patch the firewalls? I tried taking a holiday once, and an entire data center caught fire. I think my line manager has my passport locked in a safe somewhere. Besides, CVEs are nature's way of keeping me humble.