Tech Buyers Excited To Outsource All Cybersecurity Decisions To Company That Just Learned What “MFA” Stands For

In a bold move for modern risk management, enterprises everywhere are now basing multimillion-dollar cybersecurity decisions on a website whose most profound security expertise and experience comes from their use of a GPT.

Let’s call this site “QuadrantZoo”—a totally fictional* B2B review platform where interns, SDRs, and marketing ops folks rate security and Zero Trust platforms in between logging Salesforce activities and asking, “Wait, what’s lateral movement again?”

Because nothing says “protecting national infrastructure” like trusting anonymous reviews written on an iPad over airport Wi-Fi.

“They Had a Shiny Badge, So Obviously They’re Secure”

Sources say the turning point came when CISOs realized they could stop doing hard work—like reading real research, running POCs, or asking basic architecture questions—and instead buy whatever is in the top-right of a 2×2 grid curated by a company whose closest brush with cybersecurity was an “Are you a robot?” checkbox.

“I used to read white papers, look at frameworks, and run bake-offs,”
said one exhausted security leader.
“Now I just log into QuadrantZoo, sort by ‘Most Reviews,’ filter by ‘Enterprise,’ and boom, that’s my strategy.”

When asked whether anyone at QuadrantZoo had actual cybersecurity experience or if any researcher had ever worked in cyber, the buyer paused.

“I’m sure they do,” they said. “I saw a blog post where someone used the phrase ‘attack surface.’ You can’t fake that. That’s science.”

Anonymous SDR Review > 20 Years of Security Research

One vendor, “HyperTrust MegaShield XDR 360 Cloud AI ZeroTrust+”, proudly boasts 4.8 stars on QuadrantZoo.

Roughly 72% of those reviews are from:
BDRs who have never logged into the product
Marketing team members who just wanted the gift card
Channel partners who got “spiffed” to leave feedback the same day the deal closed

But that’s fine, because the reviews say things like:

“UI looks cool, dark mode is fire 🔥” – Global CISO, Probably
“Not sure what it does, but it has AI and a rocket icon.” – Verified Enterprise User

Meanwhile, folks who have actually deployed the tool in production are busy writing incident reports and explaining to the board why “our security platform couldn’t, you know, actually do security.”

The Awards Program: Now With 90% More Pay-To-Play

QuadrantZoo isn’t just about reviews.
No, no. It’s an Awards Machine.

Every quarter, inboxes across the cybersecurity industry light up with emails like:

“🎉 Congrats! You’ve Been Named a ‘Leaders’ Leader’ in the Next-Gen Cyber Trust Cloud Shield Platform Category! 🎉
Just approve this $45K ‘co-marketing package’ to receive:

A PNG of your award

A blog template you can pretend you wrote

The opportunity to buy even more awards next quarter”

Security vendors then take these totally-not-pay-to-play logos, slap them on their homepage, and parade around LinkedIn like they just won the Nobel Prize in Packet Inspection.

Meanwhile, no one asks the obvious question:

“Why does a company with zero published security research, zero red team work, and zero presence in actual security communities get to define who the ‘leaders’ are in cybersecurity?”

Shhh.
The answer might upset marketing.

“We Don’t Need Security Experts, We Have a Scoring Algorithm and our own AI bot.”

Internally, QuadrantZoo is reportedly very proud of its proprietary algorithm called WordVomit, which calculates vendor rankings using a mix of:

Number of reviews

Size of marketing budget

How quickly the vendor pays the latest invoice

And an advanced ML model that detects which logos will look best on their homepage

When asked if any security professionals were involved in designing the scoring system, a QuadrantZoo spokesperson replied:

“Oh, totally. One of our PMs once watched a talk about ransomware. On YouTube. At 1.5x speed.”

They later clarified that no one on staff actually builds or runs security programs, but they do occasionally say “NIST” and “SOC 2” on sales calls, which is basically the same thing.

The Executive Decision Framework, 2025 Edition

Here’s the new reality for how many organizations pick security tools:
Step 1: Google “[acronym you don’t understand] best tools 2025”
Step 2: Click the first review site with a grid
Step 3: Scroll to the top-right quadrant
Step 4: Choose whichever vendor has the most badges and the most “We’re honored to be a leader… again” posts on LinkedIn
Step 5: Call it “due diligence” in your board deck

No evaluation lab.
No architecture review.
No “hey, does this actually enforce policy in line with security principles?”

Just vibes.
And emojis.
And whatever a marketing analyst with a sociology degree thinks “attack chain disruption” probably means.

Meanwhile, in the Real World…

While QuadrantZoo is handing out “Top Innovator” badges like crack at an Eddie Murphy party, the fundamental cybersecurity world is dealing with:
Double-extortion ransomware
Identity-based breaches
Supply chain compromises
Cloud misconfigurations that would make an auditor cry

Bad guys aren’t reading QuadrantZoo grids. They’re reading your exposed services, your over-privileged identities, and your flat networks.

But sure, tell the board:

“We bought the highest-rated platform on that review site the sales team uses for HR tools and CRM. We’re probably fine. They were a leader, twice!”

The Awards Ceremony for People Who Don’t Read RFCs

Next quarter, QuadrantZoo is rumored to be launching even more high-impact cybersecurity awards, including:
“Most AI Per Square Inch” – for the product that uses “AI” the most times on its landing page
“Zero Trustiest Zero Trust Platform” – awarded to whoever buys the most expensive sponsorship package
“Best Use of a Lock Icon in a Logo” – judged by a panel of people who still reuse passwords
“Leader in the Cybersecurity Category We Just Invented Yesterday” – a classic

All, of course, backed by no threat research, no red teaming, and no operational security experience, but a firm opinion on which teal gradient looks best on a comparison page.

If Your Security Strategy Starts With a Grid, It’s Already Grid-Locked

Look, use review sites for what they are:
A starting point
A place to see who even exists in a category
A decent way to grab some quotes for a slide

But if you’re making serious security decisions based primarily on:
A quadrant
A star rating
A badge
And opinions from people who have never responded to a 3 a.m. incident call, your decision-making process is suspect. It's like buying a tattoo from a clear-skinned hippy; something isn't making sense (and probably smells).

Final Thought From DrZeroTrust-Land

If your business is:
Protecting real users
Real data
Real revenue

Then maybe—maybe—don’t outsource your entire security judgment to a platform whose expertise is ranking HR tools, CRM systems, and e-signature apps… and then moonlighting as the global arbiter of Zero Trust.

Ask hard questions.
Test in real environments.
Use labs, red teams, and people who have actually worn the scars from real incidents.

Or, you know, just sort by “Highest Rated” and pray.