Riot Breaks Out at Corporate Headquarters after Security Team Introduces “Shift Left”

Chaos erupted yesterday in ACME Corp’s office after the cybersecurity team officially “shifted left” their vulnerability management process — and all their problems — straight onto engineering.

According to witnesses, tensions boiled over around 10:03 a.m. when the first Jira ticket labeled “Critical (Probably)” landed in an engineer’s queue. Within minutes, hundreds more followed, spawning what insiders are calling “the Great False Positive Flood of 2025.”

“We were told shifting left would make us more secure,” said one developer, clutching a coffee mug that read #StillTriaging. “Now my stand-up is just reading out CVE IDs I’ve never heard of.”

Security, for their part, defended the move as a strategic optimization.

“Look, we just don’t have time to triage all these vulnerabilities ourselves,” said a senior security engineer. “It’s called collaboration.”

Witnesses describe the engineering team retaliating by auto-closing all tickets containing the words “potential” or “possible”. Sources say this led to an impromptu standoff in the break room, where one side chanted “Shift Left!” and the other yelled “No More False Positives!” over a faint hum of CI/CD pipelines.

An HR spokesperson later confirmed both teams have been placed in a mandatory “Trust & Traceability” workshop, where they will jointly rebuild their relationship by manually verifying 1,200 vulnerability scan results.

As of press time, no systems were patched, but the company proudly reported that they manage to stop the flood of vulnerabilities — mostly because the scanner has been unplugged.