A decorated CISO has shocked the cybersecurity industry by declining a five-course round table dinner, citing exhaustion from three years of discussing the evolving threat landscape over truffle risotto. Sources say he's now contemplating a radical new wellness strategy: going to the office and doing some actual work.
After logging 47,000 overtime hours patching NetFortress vulnerabilities, Scottish MSSP engineer John McAlpine has accidentally earned enough to crack Forbes' billionaire list—making him the first person to achieve wealth through sheer firewall misery.
In a development being called "statistically impossible" by industry analysts, a CISO completed an entire workday without witnessing a single data breach, unencrypted laptop, or LinkedIn thought leader comparing cybersecurity to chess. The unnamed executive's uneventful Tuesday has sent shockwaves through the security community, with several peers reportedly filing incident reports about the lack of incidents.